Day 2 - an exploration of self

I'm going to start with a couple of quotes that I've recently read that I liked very much. And no, I'm not doing this to pad today's word count.

“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

Okay, this next quote is from a French poet named Apollinaire, who died at the tender age of 38. Here is the quote in French, on a pen and ink rendering I bought in Paris.

Mais en verite je l'attends, avec mon coeur avec mon ame et sur les ponts des reviens-t'en si jamais revient cette femme. Je lui dirai. Je suis content.

And here is the rough translation in English:

But truth be told, I am waiting for her, with my heart, with my soul

and on the bridges of come-back-to-me, if that woman ever returns. I will tell her. I am happy.

Oh, the romance of that stanza - aren't we all waiting for someone we once loved to return? Partially convinced that it will never happen, yet happy with our waiting, nonetheless...

Okay - on to today's post.

I'll admit it. I am my own favorite subject. One could blame this narcissism on the fact that I am an only child, that I'm single and live alone or that I have a super inflated ego.

And yet, I don't honestly consider myself to be an overly confident person. I know there are plenty of people who are smarter, more attractive and more talented than I am. And yet, whenever there is a self-assessment quiz, I'm the first to take it. I think the reason is, that no matter how much time I've spent with myself, I don't know if I really know me all that well at all.

Think about it. Would you recognize yourself if you met your personality in another person? Would you like yourself, want to spend time with you? Would you hire you for your job, would you fall in love with you? Sure, Hell may be other people, but who would you rather spend time on a desert island with—just yourself or with someone else?

Maybe that's not really a fair question. Perhaps we only understand who we are by the reflection we see in other people. After reading "Conversations with God," I changed my whole notion of God and our purpose here on Earth. I saw God like an enormous film projector, but without a screen to reveal the images. So he created Earth and its inhabitants to reflect his/her self so he/she could better understand him/herself. (I've always liked that Buddhist saying: "The God in me recognizes the God in you.")

And yet, when people tell us something about ourselves, how often do we doubt them? How often have you received a present from someone you believe who knows you very well and your first thought is, "Why would they ever think this is something I'd want?" Maybe our view of others is more who we want them to be, rather than who they actually are.

When someone gives you a compliment, the knee-jerk reaction is usually to deflect or contradict it. Why is that? Here is—hopefully—an honest perception of who you are from someone who cares or at least likes and respects you. Why is it so hard to simply say "thank you?" And why is it so much easier to believe that little devil whispering in our ear all of our doubts and insecurities?

Faced with a difficult boss years ago who just didn't "get" me, I decided that once and for all I was no longer going to let someone else tell me who I was. That I knew better than anyone else what my abilities were, where my potential lies. Anyone else was just seeing a single view.

I just finished reading a very good book, "All Over the Map" by Laura Fraser, who also wrote a favorite book of mine - "The Italian Affair." In it, she talks about apprehensively attending a seminar on personal development. The leader has everyone tell a story of something awful that happened to them. Then they have to tell the story again, but how they are accountable for the outcome. "What you resist, persists," says the leader. Such a good point. I always fight against a victim mentality, and yet, when I was leaving Digitas, I placed much of the blame on this difficult boss. And I've held a grudge for years. Finally, I started looking at the elements that added up to my leaving the company -- I was uninspired by the work, bored with my clients, didn't embrace a new work ethic that was focused on pure creativity with budgets and marketing goals be damned. I fought this new boss in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. In the end, we both got what we wanted. He got rid of me -- a reminder of his predecessor - and I got a new sense of freedom. I was finally unyoked from a job that I was afraid to leave on my own. Since then, I've felt healthier, more spiritually grounded and generally happier.

I'm also starting to be more conscious of my internal (and external) dialogue. I think that for better or worse, you can create your own reality by what you tell others and yourself about you. I've always jokingly said that my autobiography will be titled "I'm not interesting, but my friends are!" I now realize that I am indeed just as interesting. If I don't want to feel like the supporting actress in my life, I've got to stop accepting that role for myself and strive to be the lead actress. I think this process of writing at least 1,000 words a day will be so valuable on this new exploration of self. I've always felt the power of writing, that by committing an idea to words, you imbue it with a certain heft and weightiness. I just want to free myself of the notion that I am writing to be read and really strive towards writing in a 100% authentic voice.

The process of growing up continues... stay tuned.